THE BIG BLACK DOG

The Central Referee blew the final whistle, signaling the end of the match. Hisses and abuses, to the extent of curses, could be heard from rows of wooden benches facing the big screens as they stood up, one after the other. Disappointment could be easily read on their faces, as they walked out of the viewing centre.

Their beloved Football Club still continues to wallow in her poor form, yet to break the jinx of "one win in one month."

Like other fans who had left in dejection, I stood from where I was, at the right corner of the middle row where I watched the game wishing for a draw till the 95th minutes. My eyes felt dizzy, legs seemed like a bolt of lead. Chelsea had just disappointed again!

I barely made it to the port where my phone was charging. The defeat had hit me more than I could imagine. Not because I had played on any form of online sport betting site, but because this weekly English Premier League games seemed the only form of escape to me from the silent battle that plagued my soul all day.

Scientists call it a form of chemical imbalance or disorder, sometimes triggered by an unfortunate event or series of adverse events in the life of those it affects. The Advance English Dictionary defines it as "mental state characterized by a pessimistic sense of inadequacy and a despondent lack of activities." Economists reading this shouldn't misconstrued it with its namesake, which is "a long-term economic state characterized by unemployment and low prices and low levels of trade and investment." I call it by a name that best fit for me, agreeing with Sir Winston Churchill, as "The Big, Black Dog". A layman knows it by its true identity, Depression.

A reliable wikipedia says that "Depression is a state of low mood and aversion to activity that can affect a person's thoughts, behavior, feelings and sense of well-being. People with depressed mood can feel sad, anxious, empty, hopeless, helpless, worthless, guilty, irritable, ashamed or restless. They may lose interest in activities that were once pleasurable, experience loss of appetite or overeating, have problems concentrating, remembering details or making decisions, and may contemplate, attempt or commit suicide. Insomnia, excessive sleeping, fatigue, aches, pains, digestive problems or reduced energy may also be present. Depressed mood is a feature of some psychiatric syndromes such as major depressive disorder, but it may also be a normal reaction to life events such as grief, a symptom of some bodily ailments or a side effect of some drugs and medical treatments."

Depression goes beyond the temporary feelings of frowning or smiling, it could range from minor to major. Issues like constant rejection, failure, waiting for a particular thing to occur, which seems not forthcoming, could lead to a minor depression. Losing a loved one, major loss in business, divorce, heartbreak, rape, kidnapping, horrific experience at the hands of burglars, accident, amidst others could lead to a major one.

Having define this, you may wonder what brought about the story of Chelsea Football Club and the connection it had with the infamous battle I went through. Well, allow me to let you in on some of the details, so shall we?

Some months before witnessing the poor run the football club, life had dealt some pretty huge blows on me emotionally and psychologically. I first lost my Dell™ laptop and some belongings to burglars who came in after we had left home on a sunny day. Just few weeks after, as if I was sent rolling into the deep to meet this ravenous beasts, my dearest elder sister got involved in a ghastly auto crash.

This incident took her precious life, after a four day battle to save her in the hospital as she was on life support machine. All this happened just in a space of two months that year. Pretty terrible isn't it? More than that, if I were to describe how I felt.

In those trying periods, life held no meaning for me again. I was daily wishing for something to just come and take what seemed to be the miserable breath I possess then, knowing clearly that if I commit suicide I won't escape eternal hell (my Bible stated that clearly).

My love for writing and reading poetry became meaningless; other activities I loved engaging in also left me. I felt exactly like Steve Farrar did when he said, "In fact, before I went into this thing, I could never understand people who struggled with depression. I always wondered why they didn't just "snap out of it." Now I understand that depression is a normal part of life. And I have a lot more understanding when someone tells me that they are slugging through it."

As the days dragged on and the thoughts won't leave, I saw myself dragging with this doomed darkness every breaking of the dawn and closing dusk. Whenever I was in the midst of friends, I laughed and giggled to their jokes, and even played pranks on them as a normal lively person that I am. There was no need to bother them with my burden; I told myself. It was whenever I get alone that these evil thoughts emerged. I couldn't confide in anyone that early, I was the type who wouldn't readily show his weaknesses to people around, I began to search for a way out on my own.

One thing you must know, is that when you find yourself in this condition, the first thing to look out for is a listening ear. You need a genuine friend that won't judge or mock your condition, but who will empathize with you.

I tried going out more to escape being lonely. I was always out to watch the English Premier League football at the nearest viewing centre to where I live, to escape being alone in my room and also to feel the presence of people.

Those 90minutes every week of live football on the screen made me feel like a prisoner released from his gaol. But this didn't give a lasting solution to win my inner battle. Because as soon as those matches ended, these things come rushing back, rearranging themselves in arrays of hosts to batter down the gates of my soul. As if it couldn't get worse, Chelsea Football Club began their poor run, losing their weekly games, and sometimes ending with a ridiculous stalemates.

However, I was fortunate to have few friends who were there to listen to my rants which may seem like being pessimistic about life to the normal ears. They stood firmly with me day to day.

I also met few new friends on social media who were very helpful and compassionate on the long run. My family members have also been so wonderful on the journey so far; we witnessed and experienced the untold pains and agony together, now we heal together.

It was not easy but for the positive people around me. Are you in this position now? Thinking about killing yourself or someone you think is responsible for this position you are in? That will not solve the issue at all, rather, it will only complicate it even more. This is not the time to throw in the towel and start living a life of recklessness, you need to get yourself up.

I know you're hurting and may look like those around you do not care but you must never allow those thoughts conquer your heart. Tell it to someone you know who cares. And this is where speaking to God in heartfelt prayers at regular intervals comes in, if you still believe.

Go out, see new things, make new friends, and refuse to be dragged down by these dogs. (Depression!)

Never lose hope, it may take some time in your case but never give up.

"Long and hard is the road that lead up from darkness of hell into the light of heaven."

Also, Let us be willing as human to help and empathize with those showing any form of depression. You are indirectly saving a life that way; do not mock them, and do not be displeased with their long tales. Just be attentive and hear them out no matter how boring it may seem to you.

Do well, to keep their story without letting in on a third party except if such person also wants to help or the best person to help handle such crucial matter.

NOTE: There are some sites online that give free tests in checking the level of depression to see if one is affected or not. You may search Google for some or check www.testyourdepression.com

Good luck and God bless. 

written by Egbeyale Dapo ( @yale_fisayo)